Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Thought of the Day

I have come to realise that life is what you make out of it Happiness can only be found if you yourself change your perception on how you view things.I do not expect people to like me and I do not care even if they do not like me because at the end of the day, I am out to please God and not men. We cannot serve two masters. I choose my destiny and I leave my destiny in the hands of my Almighty Father. What has happened in the past cannot be changed or undone but what I know is that I can choose my future. How I want my script of my life to be played out.
I used to wish that I could erase my wrongdoings or awful things that happened in my life like a videotape but now, I am refreshed by the Holy Spirit. The old has gone and the new has come.
I live neither for money or people but for the One above-my Heavenly Father.
Everything that I have now is being blessed by Him. How could I have been so blind to the fact?
I am so glad that I have awaken to the truth. No longer am I a sinner but by His grace, I have been saved.
No longer will I languish in misery for I have found joy in the Lord.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Tolerance or humility?

Yesterday afternoon, I met up with my project mates, X,P and L.
As usual, X gave me the cold shoulder. I found there was no reason to. Perhaps she was just finding an axe to grind. I happened to be an unfortunate "victim'. L is playing the usual role-the authoriative mistress. And P is nonchalant. I was supposed to do a task delegated by X with P. As usual, X had the false impression that P did her job and was up to task. Behind all this. I was the sacrificial "lamb" or rather scapegoat. X would rather believe that it was I who did nothing and P was the conscientious one. Well, what can I say? When someone looks at you with tinted glasses, things will go out of proportion. I can only do to my best of my ability. Ultimately, I am out to please God and not man.
I always feel uncomfortable in the company of the three of them. It's an unexplainable feeling.
Somehow or rather, I simply cannot fit in.
With them,time seems to pass so awfully slow. In 2 months, all these will soon be over.
However, it feels like eternity.Until the day,I shall persevere till the end. It's the race I am in and I am competing with nobody else but myself. Only with God's help will I make it through.

Friday, January 21, 2005

My star,Matasepet

I have an eye for all things beautiful. And I chanced upon a star one day and I never looked back since.
As I recalled the days back when Matasepet stepped into class, I can't help but smile to myself.
I never knew that a person could have such a huge influence in my life but Matasepet was like a shooting star,placed into my "universe" by God.
She created a world where dreams were part of my heart. I found my motivation for being a teacher and constantly seeked ways to improve. It brought my confidence into teaching. Initially I wondered why was I in this course and then I met Matasepet. It brought a change in me, a positive one. I started to believe in myself and knew that I could do things if I put my mind to it.
Many times, we are inhibited by what people would think of us. I started to take initiative and control my destiny. Things were not going to wait for you, you have to grasp the opportunity and make the best out of it.
Matasepet taught my class Art and Creativity. In my eyes, she was this classy lady who carried herself with poise. She made me relook at my life and make the appropriate changes to it. I enjoyed her lessons tremendously. She brought life to lessons and I yearned for much more. Although it was four hours of lesson, I felt it was short. It made me long for much more.
When it was the end of our second year field practicum taught by Matasepet, I felt a sense of loss. Was I ever going to see her again? I am gonna miss her lessons very much.
So I decided to give her a card to tell her how much I appreciate her lessons and of course, her!
That was the beginning of a wonderful friendship that I didn't expect.
I was feeling blue one day when I thought of her-my star. She was my inspiration. She gave me the strength to carry on and be positive. I messaged her to tell her that I hoped she was well and that I kept her in prayer. God certainly has a hand in everything that I experienced and I am thankful for it.
Matasepet invited me out for lunch.You never know how elated I was. Even though I was nervous for fear that I do something silly, I decided to pluck up my courage. I knew that there would never be a chance like this so I am going to grasp it with all my might.Heehee...
The lunch that lasted an hour was certainly memorable. Never would I forget it-18th June 2004
We had lunch at Swensens and chatted like long time friends. I felt so blessed by God.I knew it was not by my will but God's will.
It was at the lunch that I came up with the idea of a salsa item for graduation. Back then, I was idealistic but deep in my heart, I knew that dreams can be turned into reality if we really work hard to make it come true.Words has to be translated into actions. I was determined to make it come true.
Eventually, there was a salsa workshop and to me, it was a success although from 33 people,it became 12. I felt that it was worthwhile because my friends truly enjoyed the workshop and we had great fun. The 2 days of intensive 8 hour lessons of salsa made me long for more. I discovered that I enjoyed salsa. True, in the beginning, it was because I like Matasepet so I choose to get to know more about it.
However,as I delve deeper to broaden my knowledge on salsa, I became genuinely interested. I was fanatical about dancing. I wanted so much to continue dancing. It was so much fun.
Perhaps time was not on my side because it was the beginning of my last semester of my final year in poly, project deadlines loom ahead and the prospect of a salsa item at graduation looked bleak.
I suppose memories,especially lovely ones like the salsa workshop will be deeply etched in my memory bank for life. At least, I can say I did something-organised a salsa workshop for my friends and let them discover the joy of dancing which I did myself.
I would watch Matasepet dance and be amazed. I was spellbound as to how the dance moves could fascinate me. The first time I saw Matasepet dance was when they were raising funds for SARS in May 2003 at Millenia Walk. Brillant moves I thought...I gasped in awe as I saw Matasepet being twirled in the air.
Gradually, I went to the dance studio to look out for her and see her dance. That's it-I wanted so much to learn the dance. By then,my interest in her and in salsa was blurred.I could not distinguish what exactly I was feeling.
When I experienced the dance for myself, I realized how much I enjoyed it. The joy was short-lived. I long to dance again with a partner.
When I returned to school, I was shocked to know that Matasepet was my lecturer. I thought she never taught Year 3 students?Of course,my heart leap with joy. What was the best gift for new year you might ask?Of course it is having lessons with my star,Matasepet!
Guess what?She is my mentor too!What can be better than that?
At her first lesson, she asked me to carry stuff for her.I was more than happy to do it.It reminded of the time where I raised my hands frantically to offer to help her carry things. Either she sensed it or knew it, she gave me her water bottle to carry. As I reflect back, I cannot help but giggle. I also remembered that I helped her carry a trolley of things with my friend, we each got a toy in appreciation. I treasured it very much that it now sits proudly at my study desk. Matasepet made my day when she asked whether she could have my "Rainbow Bowl". Hey,that was a huge boost to my ego. The person whom I hold in high esteem was asking me for my personalised work. I was glad to oblige and it made my heart smile.
I never touch a paintbrush ever since I took Art for 'O' levels.Yet,I picked up a paintbrush to paint a portrait of Matasepet. I wrote a poem for her even though I was not sure it would be good but I knew it came from my heart. That is what matters most. It was pure and sincere.
When Matasepet asked me to help her sis-in-law during the holidays, I wanted so much to put aside going to Bangkok for Poly Forum. However, I knew that I had a responsibility and I had to fulfill it. I went to Bangkok with her in mind. I bought something for her.It was a pleasure to give her and she gave me a hug. The same hug that I gave her when I thought I would never see her again. The thought of a hug reminds me of the bear-one that looked like me,given by Matasepet. I am really grateful to God for these experiences.
In 2 months' time, it will be the end of the semester.I know I am really gonna miss Matasepet and this time, it's for real. However,I look not to the future but hold fond memories of the past with Matasepet. Now in the present,I shall work hard and focus on my studies with Matasepet as my source of motivation.
I actually prepared a letter,a bottle of lucky stars and a pen for Matasepet. The pen is for her birthday and the bottle of lucky stars is a farewell gift for her.In the letter, I wrote my birthday prayer for her and thoughts of what I feel as the end of the semester approached.
I do not know how to give it to her though.I no longer have the courage to approach Matasepet.
Why is it that so?
Whatever it is,all I know that Matasepet is my star.She's constantly shining brightly as a role model for me to emulate. My salsa teacher,my favourite lecturer,my mentor,friend and my star-Matasepet. :)

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Feeling vexed about life.....

Recently, I decided to retreat into my shell. The home which I was so comfortable in sometime back. I never realize how difficult it was when I tried it on. But I felt an unexplainable sense of comfort.
Several things happened in the last few months made me ponder about life deeply. I have never been so reflective and now I look at things with tinted glasses. I wondered what caused me to be this way.
Where was my soul?Had I lost it when I entered poly?Was it the people around me?Or was it myself?I could not find an answer.
People told me I pondered too much....Maybe...But I figured I am learning new things each day.
Recently, I made a decision to end a friendship with a friend thought it would do me good.
Was I in the right frame of mind?I don't know.
I visited a counselor in the hope of answering my questions. It was not easy because deep inside me, I refused to let go.
I shared with her that I adored a teacher of mine very much. I felt it was way too much....I felt a pressure to be "normal"-I simply could not fit in with my clique in school.
I looked back and realized I revealed too much of myself. When you made a mistake and acknowledge it and learn from it, it's not too late.
Somehow or rather, I felt that I should know it earlier. Foolish me...To think that everyone out there was sincere and willing to listen. Some secrets are meant to be for you and yourself only.
I thus decided that it was best to keep to myself but I felt "suffocated"-it was not myself anymore. What had I become?
Years back when I was in secondary school,I was contented to be left alone but now I longed to be around people realized I am always trying to figure out my thoughts but I would never understand myself I too interpersonal?
It may be a pro or a con. Life is what you make out of it how you see things perception and your attitude.
If we choose to listen to what people say, we will forever be living in agony. Yet sometimes, we have to take what people say with a pinch of salt.
At school now,I decided to adopt a relaxed attitude towards work and friends. I was way too open with my feelings previously. Overly expressive towards my teacher,Matasepet.
So I suppose I decided that enough was enough if I hold my tongue and think before I say,it would make things better.
However,I soon realized internally,I didn't feel good tried cutting off my feelings of being in the company of my friends.After all,they regarded me as a kid.Like a mother hen looking out for her chick.What can I do?
Should I even try?I tried the other time but there was nobody to support me.I felt 3 of them were against me.Did I try?Yes but it was a failed attempt.
I was full of drive and enthusiasm and Matasepet made me rethink about my career choice as a teacher. She was my star and source of motivation. It is precisely because of her I want to accomplish things.I thank God for her.But at times, I feel very guilty....because God should be my No. 1 in my life,not her.Maybe I am really reading too much in things.
I should be grateful that God made me differently.I would analyse things in detail in my head and most of all, I enjoy people or should I say beautiful people.
Matasepet is one of them. She enjoys dancing. When I look at her dance,it makes me wanna dance too. To me, she's simply amazing.I often look forward to her classes with joy. Never before have I truly enjoyed learning. I felt a thirst for knowledge.
In her recent class,she did the 7 habits of highly effective people. I decided to pick up reading again. The last time I held a book was probably years ago.
Things looked positive each time I constantly keep her in my mind. She was always so positive and some of it rubbed off on me too.
There was a time I felt that I was so blessed because God has been constantly looking out for me and I was truly thankful that He placed Matasepet in my life.However,things started going awry and I went to extremely happy to extremely depressed.
I found no purpose in life. What was I living everyday for? Doing the same old stuff,churning out assignments.Suddenly,I lost my zest for life. My mind was a total blank. I needed to get back on my feet. Things were not looking very rosy.
Right now,I should be concentrating on my studies. I knew that but my heart was telling my mind a different thing.
I had difficulty thinking right...as much as I tried to....I failed...time and again.Where was my soul?? I let my heart rule my head.I needed so much support from my friends.I could not get it....I could not do it alone.
Now when I am in the company of my fellow projectmates, I feel uneasy and I cannot wait to get out of the place.I feel so odd,stucking out like a sore thumb around them.Why has it become like this? Does all final year students feel this way?When they reaching the end of the race of the diploma,do they turn into self-reflective individuals and ponder over issues regarding life?
Sometimes I wish that life would be simple and fuss-free but that would take all the joy out of life.I learnt that in this world, there are people with motives out there-it can be good or bad. You yourself have to be discerning and learn to adapt to the circumstances. We all make mistakes in life. I have made mistakes but most importantly,I learn from it and bounce back with a renewed mind.The old me has gone and a new creation is born.
2 months will be gone in a flash soon. All this will soon pass and I shall anticipate the day where I step into a new phase of my life.
For now, it's best to take things as it comes and live each day as it is. No doubt I look forward to the day of completion of my final year project. However, it is a bittersweet feeling because I will Matasepet or rather her lessons. I will no longer be a student but I will be a working adult-a teacher to be precise. Will I be a good teacher like Matasepet? I long so much to be a good teacher so that children will benefit and learn from my teaching. But now,I lack self-confidence...can I teach??
I caught the movie "Shall We Dance" today with my mum. It reminded me of Matasepet and the salsa workshop I organised. It was truly a memorable experience. God has certainly been good to me.What more could I ask for??I had the opportunity to go on a trip to Bangkok paid by the poly for Poly Forum. My parents told me that they believed in me and that I could take care of myself which is the reason why they trusted me and knew that I would always be sensible and mature in the way I handle stuff.
One thought that constantly haunted me was that being an only child,did it made me a loner?
I found that I enjoyed doing things alone....like going to the movies because I never liked sharing the popcorn. When I cycled alone, I felt like a free spirit. Yet at times, I liked the company of people but recently, I am put off by the presence of people. I felt that I could not trust anyone.
What happened?? Why did I become like this?
Was it the people around me?Perhaps too much negative energy.At first, I thought I could pull it off but the "mask" soon became too heavy for me to wear. I had to take it off and I bursted into tears. Maybe the things that happened to me was too much for me to bear.
As I looked back, when I left the present group to join another group, I made a mistake and I could not forgive myself for making a stupid mistake. When I left, I told them I would bear the responsibility of my choice. Deep within, I knew that I wanted so much to be out of the group.Why?It was because I did not really fit in..I was always the odd one out and the 3 of them would be quick to point it out. Did it really matter that I was not in colour-coordinated clothes with them?
I enjoyed making friends. I admit it was easy for me to open up to a stranger. My clique of 3 friends didn't take it well. They would say "Go ahead and mingle with your other friends."
Was it my choice or their choice?Couldn't I have my sense of freedom?
Perhaps they regarded me as a child....always...now and forever...
Why?I suppose it was my mistake again. I was too playful.I never expected the consequences...I only wanted to be real and sincere and be myself. I was expressive with my affections to Matasepet. I felt a desire to be a better person because of Matasepet. Was it wrong?
I saw positive results and a change in me.
I felt nobody understood me. I realized that some things has to be secret. Which is why I decided to have a blog-it was the only place where I could declare my feelings for Matasepet without the fear of being judged or ostracised. I never felt it was a wrong thing to like Matasepet until I shared it with my 3 friends-people whom I thought I could trust.I discovered that 1 of them actually like Matasepet too.It's just that I choose to show it and she doesn't but now the cat is out of the bag cos she asked me one day to "cross my heart and hope to die" that I wasn't out with Matasepet. What have I done to deserve this?I didn't agree....anyway,what business is it of hers whether I was out with Matasepet or not. I hated the behaviour of hers. Instantly, I knew it was jealousy. I should realized it long ago....she was always asking after Matasepet. The gullible me took the bait or rather I was clouded with my fond admiration for Matasepet that I didn't notice anything wrong with her asking. I was relishing the attention.Suddenly, I found that someone was willing to listen to me intently about Matasepet unlike the many others. I should have knew it. There was something fishy-she liked Matasepet.
Okay,that's fine with me but she doesn't have to pick on me and gang up with the other two gals to condemn me. I feel like a criminal interrogated by them each time I am with them. Where is my breathing space. I have to blame myself...for my playful behaviour before...now, I don't get the respect I deserve as an individual.
God,please help me out.I do not know how to carry on each day or how I should behave. I thought that staying at home will do me good but I discovered that it could only be a short-term solution because at the end of the day, I still had to go out. I couldn't survive a day alone at home. My mind would run wild.I would think of Matasepet.
I needed to do things that would take my mind off. I really wish to get my vibe back for schoolwork. Where has all the enthusiasm and energy in me gone?With the wind?
Right now, I needed to work on my self-esteem. I will get back on my feet...yes with the help of God. Like Matasepet would say "Think positive!" Yup,that's what I will do.
I will make it through the 2 months and brave it without fear. Just do it and God will do the rest! :)